How We Do What We Do--Mealtimes

I get a lot of questions from people interested in how we got JB to actually sit down at the table and eat with the family during mealtimes. As opposed to a lot of other ASD/ADHD kiddos who seem to only want to 'graze' when eating or come take a bite or two and get up and run a lap or two around the table and eat another bite, etc., on and on. Our usual 'quick-answer' to this may sound pretty harsh to some, but here it goes: we simply don't allow it. It is a behavior that we have worked EXTREMELY hard on to stop. And we finally have achieved success with this, as well as achieving success with some of his food tolerance issues. Let me give you a little look into what mealtimes used to be like with JB:

CHICKEN NUGGETS, GOLDFISH CRACKERS/CHIPS or FRENCH FRIES, and FRUIT (at least we got some fruit in him!). PERIOD--that is all! Well, throw in the occasional PB & J sandwich and maybe a cookie or two. JB absolutely refused ANY vegetable, no matter how it was 'disguised'. He also refused anything soft or runny. I bought several cookbooks about how to disguise veggies or cook kids' favorites in healthier ways...it was all for nothing back then. He wasn't having it, not matter how much chocolate was in those brownies, he knew that deep down in there, there was also zucchini. And 'normal' kid favorites like mac & cheese or mashed potatoes were a total no-no. He wouldn't even touch ice cream or pudding or popsicles!! And as much as he loved fruit, he wouldn't touch a banana that was the slightest bit over-ripe. OMG...I wouldn't be the woman I am today without all of those childhood goodies! Well, as it turns out, we learned from our therapists that food aversions (especially having to do with textures) are very common for our ASD kiddos. Their approach to helping him? Let him play in his food! LOL! Sounds silly, but it really did help with his texture issues. He wouldn't even tolerate those textures on his hands in the beginning, but eventually, he loved playing in the food. They would put a big blop of pudding on the table and he was supposed to just smear it everywhere and draw in it or write letters in it, or whatever he wanted to do. He liked to drive cars through it! But eventually, all that playing in his food led to him voluntarily putting his hand--covered in pudding!-- in his mouth, and viola! He ate pudding!!! YAY!! Now this isn't a miracle or overnight 'cure'...this took a long time and a lot more than just playing in the pudding. It also took more than just doing those things at therapy. We had to bring those practices home and do them here with JB also. You can't just drop a kid off at therapy and say "here, you fix him" and then take him home an do nothing. You have to get in that therapy room and learn what they're doing and apply that knowledge to things you can do at home to supplement therapy. Its like doing homework...and if you skip the homework, you're probably not going to pass the class. 

So now we've got him trying A FEW new foods...soft things, still ABSOLUTELY NO VEGGIES. But what about behavior. How did we fix his constant grazing and constant need to move, even while sitting at the dinner table? Well, that wasn't exactly a walk in the park either. It was really hard, especially for Mommy, because I hate to have to punish the kids in any way (don't get me wrong I WILL do it though, I'm not a pushover), and that's pretty much what we had to do. I had to get over everyone telling me that because JB has Autism he doesn't understand punishment. Let me tell you now, that's a bunch of baloney when it comes to JB. My kid knows when he's doing something wrong, and now he also understands punishment. It just took longer to teach him about consequences that it did to teach the girls. But it is definitely do-able. (So all of you struggeling with discipline, please don't give up!! If you do you're giving up on your kid if you do! Your kid CAN learn right from wrong!) Yes, now there are times when I can say "that's the autism and he can't help it" or "that's just a behavior issue and it can be stopped", because now I know the difference. 

So now that I've gotten a few thoughts on discipline out there, lets talk about discipline as it relates to family supper time. JB is held to the same standards as my two girls are, and here are our rules: 1.) you will wait to start eating until after we bless the food, 2.) you must use your 'lady' or 'gentleman' manners, 3.) you must try everything on your plate at least two times before saying you don't like it, 4.) no toys, books, etc at the table, 5.) no TV, 6.) you must eat all of your veggies and most of everything else to get dessert, and 7.) you will clean away your own place setting. These days JB doesn't usually have a problem with our supper rules. In fact, I think we have to remind the girls about the rules more than we do JB, LOL! But this was not always the case. JB used to be a grazer, all day and at supper. At supper time, he would come sit in his chair, eat a bite or two, then get up and run a lap or two around the table, and then start the cycle again. This was not fun for us, and was definitely not fun (or socially acceptable) in a public setting or at a friend/relative's house. So while it may have started out as "that's just his autism, and he can't help it", we figured out a way to turn it into "that's just a behavior issue and it can be stopped". We figured out that it was going to be a two-step process: the first step was to stop the grazing; then we would work on the running. What we did first was to lock up all of the food that was accessible to JB though out the day. We converted a large gun cabinet with locking doors (that we didn't need anymore because we 'inherited' the world's biggest gun safe when we bought my parents' house) into a pantry cabinet. All we did was pull out the gun racks, add shelves, and move it to the kitchen. We lock up all of JB's favorite munchies, including the fruit, in this cabinet. We also bought a bicycle chain to lock the refrigerator. The only thing he can now get without supervision is a drink of water. Locking all this up also had a hidden advantage that we didn't count on--it helped with his speech! He now has to come and request something from us before he gets anything to snack on, whereas before he just did it himself with no interaction at all. BONUS! After "the lock-down", we had to set a definite snack schedule. On school days, they are only home to get one snack a day, in the afternoon, about 3:30-4:00. n 

That is the only time a snack is offered. On weekends, they get a snack around 9:30-10:00, plus the afternoon snack. And of course there is breakfast, lunch, and supper. There is no option given for food any other time. So that cut out the grazing behavior. Well, at least as long as lil man doesn't get his hands on the key for a pantry-raid, which does happen, 'cause hey, even we're not perfect!! 

So step one was pretty easy to implement and went pretty smoothly. Step two wasn't that different. Step two was to "get the wiggles out" before supper time. When the kiddos get home from school, we send them straight outside (weather permitting) to run, bounce and get all their wiggles out however they want. They have been cooped up at school all day, with only a little bit of a chance to run and jump and play. So when they get home, we let them run around like crazy little monkeys. When it starts getting dark, or they need to come do a few chores, we call them inside. We have a nice little fenced in backyard that I can watch through my kitchen windows while they play and I prep and cook supper or do laundry. I know, you're jealous that I can usually cook dinner without a kid wrapped around my leg...genius idea huh?! What about homework, you ask?? Homework is an after dinner or early morning thing for us. We figure it can wait, as long as it gets done. When JB first started school, we sat down and did homework, and then he had to go play in his room or watch TV while I cooked, so he wasn't "getting his wiggles out" doing that. This active time between after school time and supper time has really helped. And if its rainy or just too cold to go outside, Butch is in charge of the kids. And if Papa Bear is in charge, that means lots of wrestling and rough-housing, and time on the little indoor trampoline in JB's room. Butch is really good with this "job". 

Our little two step process was a success!! What do we do now?? How do I get a vegetable in this kid? Well, it took A LOT of hard work and dedication. I stopped making separate meals for the kids. Either they eat what I cook for supper, or they don't eat, period. After a few nights of leaving the table, they ALL started trying new things. Another BONUS! Ressie and Jenna were falling into the food rut too, and not eating and veggies. So the bonus was getting them to try new things too! And this was super hard, I promise. it really sucked that the only thing he would eat off of his plate was his serving of fruit. JB refused everything else in the beginning. So he would eat his little bit of fruit and go to bed hungry. I HATED it, but ya know, I think it took less than a week for him to try his first "new" thing. So it wasn't really that bad. ((side note before someone starts freaking out and hollering 'child abuse' on me for starving my kids...We only did this at supper time. Breakfast and lunch were very easy-going while we tried to make this huge change at supper time. And that's important--only work on changing one thing at a time.)) We slowly made progress trying one bite of this and one bite of that, and sometimes, we had to physically feed him like a baby, and occasionally we still have to do this. But because this is something we've stuck with, he's learned not to fight us anymore, and that we're not going to give up until he takes a bite of everything. 

If you take all of this and combine it, you now have a well-rounded young man. You have little boy who will sit and wait for a prayer to be said before eating. A little boy who will sit still through an entire meal without the need to run laps around the table. You have a little boy who will try a bite of everything on his plate. You have a little boy who can use his manners and say 'please' ("pleeee") and 'thanks you' ("dank u") and use his manners. And you even have a little boy who remembers that he has to clean up his place setting. All in all, you have JB, a very well-behaved young man who happens to have Autism. Do we still have our bad days? Of course, and you will too, but what's really going to matter are all of those good days you're gonna have in between the bad ones--and the bad ones will happen less.  

Well, I hope this helps give some of y'all s few ideas to try! Please feel free to ask me any questions you might have down in the comments section, and I will do my best to answer them.