How We Do What We Do--Mealtimes

I get a lot of questions from people interested in how we got JB to actually sit down at the table and eat with the family during mealtimes. As opposed to a lot of other ASD/ADHD kiddos who seem to only want to 'graze' when eating or come take a bite or two and get up and run a lap or two around the table and eat another bite, etc., on and on. Our usual 'quick-answer' to this may sound pretty harsh to some, but here it goes: we simply don't allow it. It is a behavior that we have worked EXTREMELY hard on to stop. And we finally have achieved success with this, as well as achieving success with some of his food tolerance issues. Let me give you a little look into what mealtimes used to be like with JB:

CHICKEN NUGGETS, GOLDFISH CRACKERS/CHIPS or FRENCH FRIES, and FRUIT (at least we got some fruit in him!). PERIOD--that is all! Well, throw in the occasional PB & J sandwich and maybe a cookie or two. JB absolutely refused ANY vegetable, no matter how it was 'disguised'. He also refused anything soft or runny. I bought several cookbooks about how to disguise veggies or cook kids' favorites in healthier ways...it was all for nothing back then. He wasn't having it, not matter how much chocolate was in those brownies, he knew that deep down in there, there was also zucchini. And 'normal' kid favorites like mac & cheese or mashed potatoes were a total no-no. He wouldn't even touch ice cream or pudding or popsicles!! And as much as he loved fruit, he wouldn't touch a banana that was the slightest bit over-ripe. OMG...I wouldn't be the woman I am today without all of those childhood goodies! Well, as it turns out, we learned from our therapists that food aversions (especially having to do with textures) are very common for our ASD kiddos. Their approach to helping him? Let him play in his food! LOL! Sounds silly, but it really did help with his texture issues. He wouldn't even tolerate those textures on his hands in the beginning, but eventually, he loved playing in the food. They would put a big blop of pudding on the table and he was supposed to just smear it everywhere and draw in it or write letters in it, or whatever he wanted to do. He liked to drive cars through it! But eventually, all that playing in his food led to him voluntarily putting his hand--covered in pudding!-- in his mouth, and viola! He ate pudding!!! YAY!! Now this isn't a miracle or overnight 'cure'...this took a long time and a lot more than just playing in the pudding. It also took more than just doing those things at therapy. We had to bring those practices home and do them here with JB also. You can't just drop a kid off at therapy and say "here, you fix him" and then take him home an do nothing. You have to get in that therapy room and learn what they're doing and apply that knowledge to things you can do at home to supplement therapy. Its like doing homework...and if you skip the homework, you're probably not going to pass the class. 

So now we've got him trying A FEW new foods...soft things, still ABSOLUTELY NO VEGGIES. But what about behavior. How did we fix his constant grazing and constant need to move, even while sitting at the dinner table? Well, that wasn't exactly a walk in the park either. It was really hard, especially for Mommy, because I hate to have to punish the kids in any way (don't get me wrong I WILL do it though, I'm not a pushover), and that's pretty much what we had to do. I had to get over everyone telling me that because JB has Autism he doesn't understand punishment. Let me tell you now, that's a bunch of baloney when it comes to JB. My kid knows when he's doing something wrong, and now he also understands punishment. It just took longer to teach him about consequences that it did to teach the girls. But it is definitely do-able. (So all of you struggeling with discipline, please don't give up!! If you do you're giving up on your kid if you do! Your kid CAN learn right from wrong!) Yes, now there are times when I can say "that's the autism and he can't help it" or "that's just a behavior issue and it can be stopped", because now I know the difference. 

So now that I've gotten a few thoughts on discipline out there, lets talk about discipline as it relates to family supper time. JB is held to the same standards as my two girls are, and here are our rules: 1.) you will wait to start eating until after we bless the food, 2.) you must use your 'lady' or 'gentleman' manners, 3.) you must try everything on your plate at least two times before saying you don't like it, 4.) no toys, books, etc at the table, 5.) no TV, 6.) you must eat all of your veggies and most of everything else to get dessert, and 7.) you will clean away your own place setting. These days JB doesn't usually have a problem with our supper rules. In fact, I think we have to remind the girls about the rules more than we do JB, LOL! But this was not always the case. JB used to be a grazer, all day and at supper. At supper time, he would come sit in his chair, eat a bite or two, then get up and run a lap or two around the table, and then start the cycle again. This was not fun for us, and was definitely not fun (or socially acceptable) in a public setting or at a friend/relative's house. So while it may have started out as "that's just his autism, and he can't help it", we figured out a way to turn it into "that's just a behavior issue and it can be stopped". We figured out that it was going to be a two-step process: the first step was to stop the grazing; then we would work on the running. What we did first was to lock up all of the food that was accessible to JB though out the day. We converted a large gun cabinet with locking doors (that we didn't need anymore because we 'inherited' the world's biggest gun safe when we bought my parents' house) into a pantry cabinet. All we did was pull out the gun racks, add shelves, and move it to the kitchen. We lock up all of JB's favorite munchies, including the fruit, in this cabinet. We also bought a bicycle chain to lock the refrigerator. The only thing he can now get without supervision is a drink of water. Locking all this up also had a hidden advantage that we didn't count on--it helped with his speech! He now has to come and request something from us before he gets anything to snack on, whereas before he just did it himself with no interaction at all. BONUS! After "the lock-down", we had to set a definite snack schedule. On school days, they are only home to get one snack a day, in the afternoon, about 3:30-4:00. n 

That is the only time a snack is offered. On weekends, they get a snack around 9:30-10:00, plus the afternoon snack. And of course there is breakfast, lunch, and supper. There is no option given for food any other time. So that cut out the grazing behavior. Well, at least as long as lil man doesn't get his hands on the key for a pantry-raid, which does happen, 'cause hey, even we're not perfect!! 

So step one was pretty easy to implement and went pretty smoothly. Step two wasn't that different. Step two was to "get the wiggles out" before supper time. When the kiddos get home from school, we send them straight outside (weather permitting) to run, bounce and get all their wiggles out however they want. They have been cooped up at school all day, with only a little bit of a chance to run and jump and play. So when they get home, we let them run around like crazy little monkeys. When it starts getting dark, or they need to come do a few chores, we call them inside. We have a nice little fenced in backyard that I can watch through my kitchen windows while they play and I prep and cook supper or do laundry. I know, you're jealous that I can usually cook dinner without a kid wrapped around my leg...genius idea huh?! What about homework, you ask?? Homework is an after dinner or early morning thing for us. We figure it can wait, as long as it gets done. When JB first started school, we sat down and did homework, and then he had to go play in his room or watch TV while I cooked, so he wasn't "getting his wiggles out" doing that. This active time between after school time and supper time has really helped. And if its rainy or just too cold to go outside, Butch is in charge of the kids. And if Papa Bear is in charge, that means lots of wrestling and rough-housing, and time on the little indoor trampoline in JB's room. Butch is really good with this "job". 

Our little two step process was a success!! What do we do now?? How do I get a vegetable in this kid? Well, it took A LOT of hard work and dedication. I stopped making separate meals for the kids. Either they eat what I cook for supper, or they don't eat, period. After a few nights of leaving the table, they ALL started trying new things. Another BONUS! Ressie and Jenna were falling into the food rut too, and not eating and veggies. So the bonus was getting them to try new things too! And this was super hard, I promise. it really sucked that the only thing he would eat off of his plate was his serving of fruit. JB refused everything else in the beginning. So he would eat his little bit of fruit and go to bed hungry. I HATED it, but ya know, I think it took less than a week for him to try his first "new" thing. So it wasn't really that bad. ((side note before someone starts freaking out and hollering 'child abuse' on me for starving my kids...We only did this at supper time. Breakfast and lunch were very easy-going while we tried to make this huge change at supper time. And that's important--only work on changing one thing at a time.)) We slowly made progress trying one bite of this and one bite of that, and sometimes, we had to physically feed him like a baby, and occasionally we still have to do this. But because this is something we've stuck with, he's learned not to fight us anymore, and that we're not going to give up until he takes a bite of everything. 

If you take all of this and combine it, you now have a well-rounded young man. You have little boy who will sit and wait for a prayer to be said before eating. A little boy who will sit still through an entire meal without the need to run laps around the table. You have a little boy who will try a bite of everything on his plate. You have a little boy who can use his manners and say 'please' ("pleeee") and 'thanks you' ("dank u") and use his manners. And you even have a little boy who remembers that he has to clean up his place setting. All in all, you have JB, a very well-behaved young man who happens to have Autism. Do we still have our bad days? Of course, and you will too, but what's really going to matter are all of those good days you're gonna have in between the bad ones--and the bad ones will happen less.  

Well, I hope this helps give some of y'all s few ideas to try! Please feel free to ask me any questions you might have down in the comments section, and I will do my best to answer them.  

"Hey...Mom...I'm Goin' for a Walk, K?"

Well folks, it's a been a few days since I've written and for that I'm sorry. I've been sick and just haven't felt like dragging myself over to the computer to write. And on that same note, I have so much gunk sloshing around in my head that I can't really think of anything new and interesting to write about, so I'm gonna tell y'all a little story about the scariest-- and at the same time, one of  the funniest (now its funny, then it wasn't...you gotta laugh about these things, ya know, or you'll go nuts)--days of our lives.

"Hey...Mom...I'm goin' for a walk, k?" That would have been awesome to hear before JB, then age 5, took off out the door. Instead, I heard nothing. And I mean not one...little...noise. (I secretly think the boy is a ninja--he's so freakin' sneaky!!) Of course, that could have been because I was on the phone taking care of some actual business--*gasp*, not gossiping-- (one day I will have my revenge on those bill collectors!), and not paying attention to my boy. He always picks those time to do things like this. JB watches you and waits for that perfect moment when your attention so focused on something else and then...BAM!! He's done something he's not supposed to do. Like stuff Thomas the train down the toilet, or slap one of his sisters, or grab a biscuit, a cookie, or a huge block of cheese and eat it when he's not supposed to!! Or in this case, sneak out the front door.

So I was on the phone arguing with some collection agency--pick one, any one, autism is expensive, OK--with my huge binder of bills and records spread out on the kitchen table. Everything is going well so far; the kids are actually playing quietly and not running in to interrupt me, and the baby, Ressie, is sleeping. Alright, I got this...I'm free to take care of business. But sometime while I was on this call, which was a long one, JB managed to walk right past me and out of the front door without me noticing. When I hung up the phone, I decided it was time to wake up Ressie from her nap or she would sleep forever and not sleep that night. (Ressie has always been an awesome sleeper). So I go and get her and change her diaper, and as I'm coming  back out into the living room, I notice that Jenna is by herself. OK, no biggie, JB goes to his room a lot by himself, so I go in there to check on him. Again, no JB. I even check the closet, which is his quiet spot/reading nook. NO JB. OK, well, he likes to snuggle up in my bed ans look at books or play games on my phone, so I go that way. I'm starting to panic just a little bit. Get to my room, NO JB. Panic level increasing, I grab the phone, dial my mom's number, and start at one end of the house and make my way to the other end, looking everywhere. STILL NO JB. FULL PANIC MODE!! "Mom, I can't find JB anywhere". Mom: "did you call 911?" Me, panicking still, I yell: "I CAN'T FIND JB, I'M GOING OUTSIDE!!". ((OK, so here is where any normal person would call 911, but I was so panicked, I couldn't really think of what I should do)). When this happened, my mom was still living next door to us, so she quickly ran up the hill to help. She also called 911, and then a few other family members to help us look.

My first thought about where he would go was just outside either the trampoline--NO JB--to the swing set--STILL NO JB. Its a huge one with a fort and a slide and everything, so after I looked all through there to make sure he wasn't hiding, my panic level was even higher. Next thought: "JB is fascinated with the pigs", so  go look there. Next immediate thought: "HOLY SHIT WHAT IF HE GOT IN THERE WITH SAMSON (the big aggressive boar we had at the time)?!!!" Scared the hell out of me because that pig was not at all friendly and he was huge! A big boar will tear a man up, so just imagine what he might do to a 5 year old!! So I get back to the pig pens, all the while carting Ressie and a phone--it was on, so not actually doing me any good, with the annoying 'would you like to make a call' recording going over and over, but I was so panicked that I didn't register that was going on. So I start stumbling back towards the house, bawling my eyes out, not doing anyone any good. ((If this ever happens to any of y'all, try to stay calm and think. I panicked and couldn't be any help at all to my boy.))  Meanwhile, Jenna is on the front porch, where I told her to stay--she's the good one, LOL--yelling "JJJJJJ BBBBBBBBBB" over and over, and my mom has, by this time, run up the driveway and out to the road. As she is walking down the road looking, she runs into a guy walking our way. He asks her in halting English if shes looking for a little boy. She says yes, and tells him what JB looks like. They man says he knows where he is, come with him. So she yells at me and I hear her. By this time, the sheriff's deputy has arrived, so they end up riding down the road and around the corner to this guy's house.

Apparently, 'what had happened was'--when you start a sentence with this phrase, it usually means what follows is a little crazy, so its fitting, I think--JB took off out the door, wearing only a T-shirt, undies, and tennis shoes with no socks, and went for a little stroll in the woods. He ended up at this family's house and just walked right on in their door, without knocking, helped himself to a banana off of the counter, kicked off his shoes, and sat down with their 2 kids to watch cartoons!! This poor couple had no clue what to do, and they started asking him questions, but they don't speak much English, and I'm pretty sure JB doesn't know Spanish, no matter how much he watches Dora and Diego. Add to that the fact that JB doesn't speak, and well, of course they didn't get any answers out of him. So the dad decides to start walking and looking for someone who is looking for a kid. So he finds my mom on the road and viola! JB IS FOUND SAFE!!

Let me just put in here how thankful I am that he walked in on a very nice family and not some crazy person. It could really have turned out a lot differently, and I am so thankful every time I think about it for how this event turned out. Thank you Lord that I can now laugh at this and share it with folks as a way to help them learn about how easily a child can slip away from you.

So after Butch made it home and I stopped shaking, we rode down the road to meet this family and thank them for "finding" JB. We exchanged 'thank-yous' and 'your-welcomes' as well as we could and even tried to offer them some money as a thank you, but they wouldn't take it. I was, however, able to provide them with a pocket information card--in Spanish even!!--about Autism. So I hope that helped them to understand why may child was wondering around with no parents only half-dressed.

Well, we ended up installing door alarms, but luckily JB has only tried to escape one other time after this incident, and because Papa Bear (Butch) was home at the time, he got caught. And I'll just tell ya that he made it as far as the detached garage before being made to turn around and head back inside. And I will tell you that after that run-in with one very upset Papa Bear, the boy has never tried to escape the house again. With Butch's help, I finally quit blaming myself and quit thinking about all of the horrible things that "could have" happened. Then I figured out that I could even laugh about what did happen and move on and share our story.



I would like to ask y'all, after reading my story with a happy ending, to please say a little prayer for the families whose stories of wandering didn't end so happily. Almost every day, a child with Autism wanders away from family or caregivers, and those stories oftentimes do end tragically  We ask the Lord to please watch over those families and give them strength. 

An Easy-Going Day

Well y'all, its been a couple days since my last post, but that's because there hasn't been much of anything going on around here. And today, that's still the case. The only thing exciting was that it was JB and Jenna's first day back to school after the Christmas break ((wooohooo this momma is doing the 'happy dance'--no more fighting and arguing!!! Only one kid at home--wooohooo!!)).

Jenna was so excited this morning y'all! She woke up for the first time to her new alarm clock (a Disney Princess one of course, lol), and then she was so excited to get ready in one of her new outfits that she got for Christmas (thanks to Nana!). JB on the other hand, will take a couple of days to adjust to the routine again. Even though he spent most of the break waking up at pretty much the same time every day (between 6 and 7--grrrrr!!!), and doing his basic morning routine, he got out of the routine of going to school. So, it might take him a couple days to get back into the swing of things. He does love school though, he was just a little fussy this morning. And he also went to school in a new outfit and his new boots (again, thanks Nana!), but could really care less about his outfit--typical boy!

So, I've had a pretty boring day so far. Took the kids to school, then came home, picked up a new magazine (Mary Jane's Farm...I love it!), sat on the couch with Ressie to read and snuggle while she was watching Dora.  I think i made it  two lines into the first article and then I dozed; I did't sleep well last night. So i doed in and out for a little over an hour and then finally got my butt up Butch finally got my butt up off the couch to get started on the day's work. So I did the normal laundry and dishes routine, and rounded that out by cutting some gum out of Ressie's hair, *sigh*. At least it wasn't a huge chunk or anything, it soooo coulda been worse since she has so much hair and it's down to her butt. So now I flop down at the desk to get on the computer while eating my lovely lunch of chicken noodle soup (nope, not sick, just sounded good) while keeping one eye on the window next to the desk so I can make sure a tree doesn't fall on Butch's head. Oh yes...the Butcher with a chain saw...only the chainsaw wouldn't start, so he decided he was just gonna use the ax. Yep...on the biggest tree that needs to come down. I'm wondering if he has some pent-up frustration there that he's taking out on that poor dead tree. Annnnddddd....TIMBER! All's well...it didn't fall on his head...the Butcher will live to fight another day! Whew...glad that's over. Hopefully he's going to work on the chainsaw now instead of going at more trees with the ax. Please...I hope...

So all-in-all, its been a good day. A day in which--so far--Autism has not kicked my butt! But there's always the evening hours!! ((Insert evil villain laugh here))

Trampolines, Temper Tantrums, and Gardens, OH MY!

GRRRRRRRR!!!!!

A lil frustrated fright now! We just got over a mini-meltdown over the trampoline of all things! JB loves the trampoline...so why the tantrum?? Because its cold outside and I made him keep his slippers on his feet to jump. And I guess he thought it WAS THE END OF THE WORLD! Because I'm usually yelling at them to take their shoes off while they're on the trampoline. Poor baby got confused...and then he absolutely freaked out because I made him put his slippers back on after he took them off. Of course I was a little perturbed because I had to chase down his bosom buddy Coco (our Chesapeake Bay retriever) for the damn slipper she was gnawing on...I'm sure my pissed-off-edness (like my word?? I do that...make up my own every now and then...) didn't help JB's mood, but still...GRRRR!

OK....now I'm just laughing at myself, for all of this frustration. ((Light bulb moment: maybe this blogging is actually good therapy for me...hmmm...who woulda thought??)) All is right in his little world now, after calming him down, giving him some lunch (and a little time to settle down), and telling him he can't go jump without his slippers to keep his feet warm. Now the lil man and the princesses and 2 of their friends are outside jumping and having a ball! All is right in the world. I love watching them play together!

IN OTHER NEWS...

Well y'all, I'm trying to plan the layout for my garden this year. I don't want to have a huge one, but I definitely need to get in some tomatoes, onions, bell peppers, and a few herbs if I can. Butch is worried about having enough time this year to do the garden because he is, once again, working his butt off. But who am I to complain...get that overtime baby! That just means that all of this gardening work will be mine...yuck. But he still has to find time to build a new chicken coop. I'm not tackling that one on my own with a munchkin attached to my leg!

The good news about all this gardening work...JB loves to dig! I just have to keep him digging in the correct places! Free child labor...woohoo! OK, so out comes the gardening book...I'll update y'all on how its going later on! Everyone have a lovely day!